i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
