Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
