girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
