Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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