Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
