there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
