you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
