the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
