things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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