and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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