It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
