FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
