Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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