It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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