The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
