is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
