I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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