i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I checked into jail on foursquare
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
