Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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