I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
