Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
