So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
