I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
