I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
