I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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