The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
