I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
