When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
