i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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