so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The best revenge is premature balding
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
