You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
