Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
