We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
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