Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
