You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
