i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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