thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
