I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT