I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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