i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
