i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
