Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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