Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
