it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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