so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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