Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
