i wish starbucks made bloody marys
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
