i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
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I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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