i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
