I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
