so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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