last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize