Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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