i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
