Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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