Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
