community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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