my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
