Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She's the barista slut.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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