Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
