I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
