I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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