Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
